A "Talent which is Death to Hide"

"And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless" ~ John Milton

I first read John Milton's words in high school.  And ever since, these words have haunted me, echoing time and time again throughout my life, my own eyes blind to their true meaning.

Over and over and over again in this blog and in my life, I have been berating myself for hiding a talent.  So many promises, so many excuses, while I felt like a coward for running away, like a traitor to everything I always wanted to be.

Long ago, when I first read Milton's poem, I was afraid to write, even then.  There was no mystery to it really, as it's a rather common trap.  I was afraid to try, afraid to discover I just wasn't good enough, when various people were telling me I really was quite good.  It was far easier to partially succeed in a weakness than risk failing in a strength.  I pursued two degrees and half a career in the process. 

I can hardly write three words in this blog without stopping and judging "my talent" in some way, and yet ironically by hiding the very thing itself, it has just buried itself deeper, partly rusting from disuse, and all the more difficult to retrieve every time I seek it out.  And then when I do dig it up, much of the time I drop it, afraid to expose or handle it at all.

"They also serve who only stand and wait." ~ John Milton

When I was young, I didn't understand the purpose of any kind of waiting - ambitious young people rarely do.  Yet wait I did, or so it seems, half a lifetime.  I found every possible reason to pursue just about everything except that thing I had buried, all the while scolding myself for standing and waiting.  It seems we die a little each day when we bury the desires of our heart, yet perhaps perfect timing serves its purpose.

God is not the judge.  You are not the judge.  A phantom publisher is not the judge.  The most relentless judge is me.

I have decided to expose the rust or the shine, whatever they may be.  It's going to require a kind of discipline to make it so, to stand and not wait.  It's the only way I can begin to bury the judge and not the talent, one word at a time. 

Reflections of a Writer: Lighting the Path

A few weeks ago, I shared openly and honestly about my journey as a writer in my Mother Shipton Prophecy blog.  Since that blog is very focused in its reach and topic, upon rereading what I had to say, I knew it was appropriate to surface here as well.

The Mother Shipton Prophecy blog will soon be transitioning to become The Prophetess Legacy blog, a more general format exploring the behind-the-scenes aspects of my research into the history and insights of mystical women throughout history.  The blog will accompany my Prophetess Legacy seminars and ongoing book/web/media projects on that topic.

Feeling the utterly unnecessary urge to explain the huge stack of books in my arms, I told the librarian at the counter last summer that I was writing a book.  I hoped to finish by Winter.

Obviously accustomed to warding off the locals, she whipped out a mantra about not being able to take most new books into her little library, even from authors nearby.  I hadn't asked.  I didn't care.  I told her it really didn't matter to me. 

And then she said something rather unexpected and deep, a knowing look in her eyes:  "Have you fallen out of love with your book yet?"

Speechless, I can't remember what I said in response.

Yet the weight of her words remained.  Long after the weight of those books.  I carried the weight of those words for several weeks.  I carry their weight in this moment.

As anyone stopping by this blog knows, this project has been a long time in development, with many promises and pauses in between.

Have I fallen out of love?  Obviously...yes...

I used to only talk about Mother Shipton at events (and not about other prophetesses)...until I began to realize much of what has been written about her is false (see Facing the Forgeries).

As I said months ago, I finally had to come to terms with the truth.

Fallen out of love?  I'd say so.  I all but omitted Mother Shipton from my Expo presentations when I used to dedicate the entire hour.

And then it happened last summer.  An unannounced gift, the web domain name MotherShipton.com magically fell into my hands.  So did all the related names (.org, .net, .info, you name it).  They all came to me effortlessly, without even asking, without even looking, without even giving it a thought.  And of course they arrived by Design.

And so I have a responsibility.

I must be true to the words I choose to write...for her sake...for the memory of the real Mother Shipton...as truthful, open and balanced as I can possibly be, on the very site that bears her name.

Meanwhile, it's not the first roadblock I've encountered, as "The Prophetess Legacy" project goes far beyond Mother Shipton.

"Have you fallen out of love with your book yet?"  The words hang upon my heart.

Yes, I have fallen out of love.  I have fallen out of love with the darkness.

When you take it upon yourself to study prophecy, you had better be prepared (I wasn't).  It is brutal.  It is bloody.  It is graphic. It is death, destruction and damnation in just about every imaginable way. 

Do I want to write a book filled with blood and death?  Obviously...No.

I would call that definitely falling out of love with a book, a book so very heavy it fell into the abyss.

But what about the Love?  And the Light?  Ah, yes, they do exist in prophecy.  And in fact, perhaps that is precisely the point.

So what kind of book exactly is re-emerging in my hands?  What kind of web site and blog?  Let me just say none of it will be what I expected...

And I'm writing here, right now, in this very moment.  That's a good sign.

My last Expo presentation a few weeks ago had the most raptly attentive audience yet.  I didn't focus on the darkness at all.  I focused on the Light.

Yes, I'd say that's a sign I'm falling back into Love.

Perhaps soon I'll take you with me...